Parenting Tweens: What You Should Know

1. Their bodies are changing

Physically, puberty starts earlier these days, so you might notice some rapid changes in your tween. From the age of nine, girls may develop breasts and even start their periods, while boys’ voices could start to change.

Your child could also start feeling quite self-conscious about their body, and body issues could affect their self-esteem. Remember that your tweenager receives tons of messages around gender roles, bodies, and expectations from media, socials, and the world around them. It can be awkward talking about these changes with your tween, but always let them know you’re there for them.

2. Their brains are changing

Even more drastic than what’s happening to the tween body, are the changes that are happening to the tween brain. For the first eight years of life, a child views the world through a literal, self-focused perspective. As they move into pre-adolescence, they move into a meta-cognitive state, where they start to develop an awareness of their own thoughts as well as those of others.

What this means is that tweens care a lot about what others think of them, they want to fit in, and compare themselves to their peers.

You may also notice that your child suddenly has very little interest in you and relies more on their friends. Self-consciousness and insecurity are common in these years. Unfortunately, so is bullying. Read our article on bullying for tips and parenting advice on the topic.

3. Emotions are high

Part of the brain development that happens from age nine to 12 has to do with emotions. As a result, a tween becomes very sensitive to their emotions (and those of others) but aren’t yet able to regulate those emotions. While they’re struggling to interpret and respond to all these emotions, they could also experience intense mood swings that impact how they deal with others.

Yes, they might come across as self-centered but remember that this is when your child is starting to work out who they are and where they belong in the world, and to do this they put their own thoughts and feelings over those of others. The melodramatics won’t go on forever, remember that.

4. They’re craving independence

This all adds up to a growing need for independence from their parents. At this time, they’ll be looking to their peers for advice and guidance, so it’s vital to maintain healthy, open lanes of communication with your tweenager.

While your tween is feeling pressure to fit in, they’re also experimenting with who they want to be, how they want to dress, how they want to talk, and how they experience humour. You could feel like they’re trying on a new personality every other day, but this is part of the normal development in a tween. It’s a fine line between letting them have the freedom to explore this growing identity and providing the boundaries they need to do this safely.

5. They still need you

Maintaining a healthy relationship with your tween sets you up for ongoing communication and honesty throughout their lives. So, while it’s going to be tough to get them to open up to you, try to keep conversation with your tweenager open-ended rather than asking specific questions about their day or feelings.

To stay connected, try to watch what they’re watching on TV or streaming devices. This shows an interest in their interests, gives you a chance to laugh together, and even talk about difficult topics without them feeling interrogated personally.

6. They may be sleeping more

Tweens aren’t lazy. This one is down to those brain changes, as tweens undergo a circadian shift which affects their sleep. Simply put, their body clocks shift a couple of hours, so you’ll notice your tweenager wanting to stay up later and being a bit difficult to wake up early in the morning. Your child needs 10 to 11 hours of sleep in a day, so if they’re getting the rest they need, you can think of pushing bedtime to a bit later.

7. Talk about sex, drugs, and bodies

Don’t wait to talk about the birds and the bees. Your tween has grown up in a world where all the answers are available to them in the palms of their hands, literally. The best way to deal with bodies, puberty, sex, and relationships is to be open, but age-appropriate. It’s also a good idea to talk about drugs, the pressures to use them, and the pitfalls.

Giving your tween books and resources on the topics is a way to open the conversation without the pressure.

Ultimately, your relationship with your tween is changing just as much as they are. Parenting them during this phase is about finding a balance between boundaries and freedom, keeping channels of communication open, and giving them a safe place to come back to no matter what they do or how old they get.

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